Breaking Bad isn't the first one to come up with a Star Trek plot.
Star Trek fans had a thrill watching Breaking Bad this week. The character "Badger" explained his idea for an episode of Star Trek, laced with references to Rigel IV, food replicators, quatloos and Uhura's "pointies".
Years ago, before the premier of the Next Generation film "Nemisis", a plot synopsis was leaked on the Internet. It was so confusing I couldn't believe it was true. Unfortunately, it was.
Before sharing it with some friends I did a major re-write and probably made it significantly more plausible than the actual plot.
Here I share with you my version of
"The Leaked Nemesis Plot".
Star Trek: Nemesis
Plot Summary
Written By: Kevin Shannon
WARNING! This summary contains spoilers.
In the Romulan system, there are two sister planets: Laurel and Hardy. Half of the planet Hardy is in constant smog. The inhabitants of Hardy (called "the inhabitants of Hardy") live exclusively on the smog side of the planet, because the side without smog has a leash law. The Hardians faces are armadillo-like, and they prefer smog to walking unleashed.
For ages, the Romulans have been oppressing the Hardians, and using them as coat racks. Because of this, the Hardians have been planning a bar-mitzvah to get lots of gifts from the Romulan government. Leading the Hardian cause is a human named Dick Cheney. Cheney is in his mid-twenties, and is lactos intolerant. Cheney plans to take over the Romulan government with his dangerous weapon (That's his nickname for it): Cheney and his right-hand man, Lefty, kill many Romulans in the Romulan senate by forcing them to watch William Shatner in a production of Hamlet.
On Earth, (Boise Idaho, specifically) there is a reception celebrating the upcoming wedding of Will Riker to Worf. Picard is to be the Best Man. Guinan and Wesley are discovered in bed. Riker's beard is back, but it has moved down to his navel. Geordi's ocular implants are now a pair of 3D glasses. Geordi is now Leah Brahams' boyfriend, but Leah is not aware of this. Worf is drunk from wine coolers at the previous night's bachelor party. Riker plays the comb and tissue paper and Data sings "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." Picard is having a good time, but continually falls asleep for no apparent reason.
Later, back on the Enterprise, the crew is on their way to the planet Bastard for the wedding ceremony. Worf is upset, because the wedding is supposed to be in the nude and he has nothing to wear.
After scanning some unusual positronic readings on a planet called Kickass III, Picard decides to delay their trip and go to sleep. On the planet, the landing party (in a Starfleet Volkswagon, driven by Picard) finds the body parts of a Data look-alike android named K-9, who has Spock's brain. They are then attacked by chipmunks. After an exciting VW-chase scene, they plunge off a cliff. They then take K-9 back to the ship and reassemble him. Data is attracted to his new "brother."
Soon, Picard is told by Admiral JaneGay that there is a new Hardian Praetor on Romulus, named Cheney. He wants a Federation envoy to abuse him. Picard is assigned to the task because he has the largest ship in the area. (Wink)
Data uploads his memory into K-9 to help him gain intellect, but it does not work and K-9 is transformed into an original Atari game system. K-9 still has the mind of Spock.
The Enterprise arrives in Romulan space, but there are no parking spaces left. There they see Cheney's powerful gigantic Roman warbird (That's his nickname for it). Picard, Troi and other crewmembers beam onto his Scimitar. During negotiations, we discover Cheney is actually a clone of a sheep. Picard returns to the Enterprise. Here, they discover that Cheney is really a clone of… Picard himself! Picard returns to the Scimitar to discuss this with Cheney, but pauses momentaraly to wake up the people who have dozed off in the movie theatre.
Cheney explains to Picard that Cheney was created years ago by a Romulan graduate chemistry class, his rapid aging process allows him to eventually catch up with Picard's age, and lose all his hair. The plan was for Cheney to replace Picard so the Romulans would have a spy. But the Romulans abandoned the plan years ago, when they accidentally lost it in a clocking device mishap. Lying, Cheney insists that he wants peace between the Romulans and the Hardians. Picard returns to the Enterprise even more confused than anyone reading this movie plot synopsis.
Lefty and Cheney discuss their REAL plan: To steal the Federation's secret egg salad recipe. Due to the accellerated aging problems, Cheney turns into William Shatner. Cheney needs ALL of Picard's body hair to stay alive. Lefty has mental powers that enable him to read Troi's mind. This causes distressing hallucinations in Troi, where she imagines Riker and Worf in a variety of sexual positions. We learn that K-9, a prototype, was deliberately left on Kickass III by Cheney, for no other reason than to make the story plot totally confusing. Cheney activates K-9 and uses him as a remote control car (similar to how Geordi's visor was able become a pair of X-Ray specs, in "Generations.") K-9 is innocently unaware of the fact that his pants are in the cleaners.
Because Cheney needs Picard's hair, Cheney beams K-9 aboard his Scimitar and uses the information obtained by K-9 to beam Picard off the Enterprise and into the middle of a Romulan barber shop. Fortunately, K-9 is actually Data pretending to be Pinnochio. This ruse helps Data rescue Picard. They escape the Scimitar by being swallowed by a large whale, and manage to make it back to the Enterprise. Later, Troi is able to use her mind-link with Lefty to uncover information to help them find the Scimitar, by forcing him to make a right turn on red. The Scimitar and other Hardian ships fight the Enterprise. Some Romulan ships arrive and help turn the tide of battle while taking pot shots at the Enterprise.
During the final Scimitar vs. Enterprise ship battle (in a nebula called the "Boring Rift"), Picard rams his Enterprise (that's his nickname for it) into the Scimitar, where the two are locked together in amourous bliss. Picard now watches the battle through a large hole on the bridge as the rest of the crew is sucked into space. Some Hardians also beam aboard the Enterprise, and dance the tango with Starfleet crewmen. Riker gets his revenge on Lefty by locking him in a room with Wesley until he dies.
Defeated, Cheney is now intent on activating his organic obliteration device to destroy the Enterprise. Picard beams aboard his Scimitar, and manages to kill Cheney by impaling him with Data's penis. Data jumps through the hole on the Enterprise bridge, floats through space, and collides with the partially-clothed Cheney and works his way inside. Data rescues Picard by using a one-way emergency portable beaming device that was invented just for this movie. Data sacrifices himself by throwing his pet cat into the Scimitar's warp core. This destroys the Scimitar and the organic destroying device, and probably destroys any chance of another Trek sequal.
Later, the crew says their prayers with one another. As the Enterprise is being refitted, we see Riker leave to take command of the USS Titsanass. Beverly goes to the Starfleet Nursing home. Picard gets a walker, and a new young crew comes aboard with grand ambitions of discovering how they can eventually rid themselves of all the original geriatric crew members. The film ends with K-9 singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction". This reveals K-9 has Data's memories, and therefore Data's essence, but definitly not his sense of rhythm.
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